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In an era where emotional well-being is gaining recognition as a pivotal aspect of overall health, the Hurt Feelings Report form emerges as a controversial tool. Ostensibly designed for law enforcement contexts under the authority of several U.S. regulations, its stated purpose is to aid individuals, colloquially referred to as "whiners," in documenting occurrences that have caused them emotional distress. The form solicits detailed administrative data about the complainant, the incident in question, including the nature and duration of the alleged hurtful comments, and an assessment of the emotional injury sustained. Its tongue-in-cheek approach to sensitive issues, marked by terms like "candy ass" or "pansy ass feelings," alongside a checklist of reasons for filing that includes items such as "I am thin-skinned" or "I want my mommy," has sparked debate about the appropriateness and potential impacts of such a document. On a concluding note, the form humorously offers the dispatch of a "hugger" to those lacking immediate emotional support, indicating an underlying, albeit satirical, acknowledgment of the importance of addressing emotional grievances.

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HURT FEELINGS REPORT

To use this form, it must be physically placed in the hands of any Law Enforcement Officer

DATA REQUIRED BY THE PRIVACY ACT OF 1974

AUTHORITY: PRINCIPAL PURPOSE:

ROUTINE USES:

DISCLOSURE:

S USC 301, Departmental Regulation, 10 USC 3013 and a log of other regulations too To assist whiners in documenting hurt feelings

Whiners should use this form to seek sympathy from someone who cares

Disclosure is voluntary, however, repeated whining may lead to your file being stamped "candy ass" or some other appropriate term

PART I - ADMINISTRATIVE DATA

A. WHINER'S NAME (Last, First, MI)

B. WHINER'S AGE

C. WHINER'S SEX

D. DATE OF REPORT

E. TYPE OF WHINE USED

F. NAME OF THE PERSON FILLING OUT THIS FORM

PART II - INCIDENT REPORT

A. DATE FEELINGS WERE HURT

B. TIME OF HURTFULNESS

C. LOCATION OF HURTFUL COMMENTS

D. WAS ANYONE SYMPATHETIC TO WHINER (Please include paid witnesses)

E. NAME OF PERSON WHO HURT YOUR PANSY ASS FEELINGS

F. HOW LONG DID YOU WHINE

G. WHICH FEELINGS WERE HURT

PART III - INJURY

(Circle all that apply)

1. WHICH EAR WERE THE HURTFULL WORDS SPOKEN INTO?

2. IS THERE PERMANENT FEELING DAMAGE?

 

LEFT

RIGHT

 

BOTH

 

YES

NO

MAYBE

3. DID YOU REQUIRE A "TISSUE" FOR TEARS?

 

4. HAS THIS RESULTED IN A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY?

YES

NO

MULTIPLE

 

YES

NO

MAYBE

 

 

PART IV - REASON FOR

FILING THIS REPORT

 

 

 

 

 

(Mark all that apply)

 

 

 

I am thin skinned

 

 

The Dept needs to fix my problems

 

Two beers is not enough

 

 

I am a wimp

 

 

My feelings are easily hurt

 

My hands should be in my pockets

 

I have woman / man-like hormones

 

I didn't sign up for this

 

I was not offered a tissue

 

 

I am a crybaby

 

 

I was told that I am not a hero

 

Someone requested a tissue

 

 

I want my mommy

 

 

The weather is too cold

 

All of the above and more

 

NARRATIVE (Tell us in your own sissy words how your feelings were hurt, as if anyone cared)

PART V - AUTHENTICATION

A. PRINTED REPORTER NAME (if you wish to be labeled too)

B. SIGNATURE (are you sure about this?)

C. PRINTED WHINER NAME (you really are going out on a limb here) D. SIGNATURE OF WHINER (you have got to be shitting me!)

We, as the Dept, take hurt feelings seriously. If you don't have someone who can give you a hug and make things all better, please let us know and we will promptly dispatch a "hugger" to you ASAP. In the event a "hugger cannot be found, an EMS Team will be dispatched to soak your socks in coal oil to prevent ants from crawling up your leg and eating their way up your candy ass. If you are in need of supplemental support, upon written request, we will make every reasonable effort to prvide you with a "blankie", a "binky" and/or a bottle if you so desire.

File Attributes

Fact Name Detail
Origination Authority 5 USC 301, Departmental Regulation, 10 USC 3013, and various other regulations
Principal Purpose To assist individuals in documenting hurt feelings
Routine Uses Intended for individuals seeking sympathy
Voluntary Disclosure Disclosure is voluntary but repeated whining may result in negative labeling
Support Measures Offers of a hug, dispatch of a "hugger" or EMS team for severe cases, and supplementary support as needed
Response to Lack of Sympathy Measures include the provision of a "blankie", a "binky", and/or a bottle upon written request

How to Fill Out Hurt Feelings Report

Completing the Hurt Feelings Report is a step in a process designed to address emotional experiences. While this task might seem overwhelming at first, breaking it down into manageable steps can make it less daunting. It's important to fill out this form thoroughly and accurately, ensuring that all your feelings and the incident in question are fully documented. This effort is not just about the immediate process but is part of a larger approach to address emotional wellbeing. Once the form is completed and submitted, it will be reviewed, and appropriate measures will be taken to support the individual involved.

  1. Start by entering the whiner's name in the section labeled "WHINER'S NAME (Last, First, MI)." Ensure to write clearly to avoid any misunderstandings.
  2. Indicate the whiner's age in the designated area. This information helps provide context about the individual filing the report.
  3. Specify the whiner's sex by marking the appropriate option. This detail is crucial for accurately documenting the report.
  4. Fill in the date of the report to record when the incident is being reported, not necessarily when it occurred.
  5. Describe the type of whine used with as much detail as possible. This helps in understanding the nature of the incident.
  6. Enter the name of the person filling out this form if it is different from the whiner. This is important for record-keeping purposes.
  7. Under PART II - INCIDENT REPORT, document the date and time when the feelings were hurt to capture the timeline of events.
  8. Specify the location of hurtful comments as accurately as possible.
  9. Indicate if there was anyone sympathetic to the whiner at the time of the incident, including any witnesses.
  10. Write the name of the person who hurt your feelings to ensure the incident is properly addressed.
  11. Detail how long you whined after the incident as part of the emotional impact documentation.
  12. Identify which feelings were hurt to understand the depth of the emotional response.
  13. In PART III - INJURY, circle the options that best describe the injury, including which ear heard the hurtful words, if there's permanent feeling damage, and the need for tissues or medical attention.
  14. In PART IV - REASON FOR FILING, mark all reasons that apply to explain why the report is being filed.
  15. Complete the narrative section with a detailed account of how your feelings were hurt, offering a personal perspective on the incident.
  16. Lastly, in PART V - AUTHENTICATION, print both the reporter's name and the whiner's name, then sign in the designated areas to authenticate the report.

After completing and reviewing the form for accuracy, it should be delivered to a Law Enforcement Officer or the designated recipient as indicated by the procedures in place. This action initiates the process of reviewing the incident and provides an opportunity for the necessary support and resolution mechanisms to be activated. Rest assured, each step taken in this process is aimed at ensuring a comprehensive approach to emotional wellbeing and response.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the Hurt Feelings Report?

The Hurt Feelings Report is a form designed as a humorous way to address complaints about hurt feelings in a sarcastic manner. It mimics official forms used by law enforcement or other organizations, asking for detailed information about the incident leading to hurt feelings. The form features sections for administrative data, incident report, injury assessment, reasons for filing the report, and a narrative section. It sarcastically offers options such as dispatching a "hugger" or providing a "blankie", "binky", and/or a bottle as supplemental support.

Who should use the Hurt Feelings Report?

This form is not intended for serious use and should not be used in actual situations where people's feelings are hurt. It is designed for comedic or satirical purposes, often circulating within workplaces or groups as a joke to lighten the mood or make light of situations where someone is perceived as overreacting.

Is the Hurt Feelings Report legally binding?

No, the Hurt Feelings Report is not legally binding. It is a parody document and holds no legal weight. It should not be used as a means to resolve real conflict or address genuine concerns about emotional distress or harassment.

What should be done if someone's feelings are genuinely hurt?

If someone's feelings are genuinely hurt, it is important to address the situation with empathy and seriousness. Effective communication, seeking to understand the person's perspective, and resolving the issue through dialogue or with the help of a mediator or counselor are recommended steps. For workplace conflicts, following the official complaint procedures or speaking to a human resources representative may be appropriate.

Can using the Hurt Feelings Report cause problems?

  • Offending individuals: While meant as a joke, the form can offend or belittle individuals who feel their concerns are not being taken seriously.
  • Misinterpretation: Using the form in situations that require sensitivity can lead to misunderstandings or escalate conflicts.
  • Workplace issues: In a professional setting, reliance on such forms can undermine the seriousness with which emotional wellbeing is treated, potentially violating workplace policies or creating a hostile environment.

Common mistakes

One common mistake is incorrectly filling out the “Whiner's Name” section in Part I, which requires the full last name, first name, and middle initial. Many individuals either leave out their middle initial or use nicknames, which can complicate the identification process.

Another error often seen is in the Date of Report field. Some people enter the date when the incident occurred instead of the date when the report is being filled out. This confusion can lead to inconsistencies in the timeline of events, creating potential misunderstandings about when the incident took place.

There is also a frequent oversight in the Type of Whine Used section. Participants sometimes fail to clearly specify the nature of their complaint, making it difficult for the reviewing officer to understand the context of the grievance. Providing vague descriptions or skipping this section entirely diminishes the clarity of the report.

In Part II, a common mistake involves the description of the incident. Individuals often neglect to provide sufficient details about the location of the hurtful comments or the exact time when their feelings were hurt. This lack of specificity can hinder the ability of officers to fully comprehend the circumstances surrounding the incident.

Furthermore, respondents sometimes mistakenly think that the "Injury" section under Part III is optional or comedic, leading them to skip it or not take it seriously. This misunderstanding can result in an incomplete capture of the incident’s emotional impact.

A significant error occurs when individuals forget to mark the applicable reasons for filing the report in Part IV. This section is critical for understanding the complainant’s perspective and the specific nature of their grievances. Leaving it blank or improperly marked can obscure the report's intention.

Lastly, a common mistake is seen in the Authentication section, where individuals either forget to sign or incorrectly print their names. This oversight can question the report's validity, as every form requires the proper authentication to be considered official.

Documents used along the form

The Hurt Feelings Report form is a unique document designed to address and record instances of emotional distress humorously. While it serves its purpose in a specific context, there are various other forms and documents that might be utilized in more conventional settings for related concerns. These documents can cover a range of situations from formal grievances in a workplace to documenting incidents that might require official investigation or therapeutic support.

  1. Incident Report Form: This document is used to record details of an unexpected event that caused harm or had the potential to cause harm. It captures specifics such as the date, time, location, individuals involved, and description of the incident.
  2. Complaint Form: Utilized by individuals who wish to formally complain about a situation, behavior, or process. This form typically includes spaces for detailing the complaint, the outcome sought by the complainant, and any supporting evidence.
  3. Grievance Procedure Form: A document used in workplaces for employees to raise serious concerns with their employer regarding their employment, including conditions, relationships with colleagues, and management issues.
  4. Employee Feedback Form: This form allows employees to provide feedback, both positive and negative, about their job, workplace environment, or management in a structured manner. It can cover a range of topics, including job satisfaction, working conditions, and suggestions for improvement.
  5. Conflict Resolution Form: A guided form to help parties in conflict outline the issues at hand, their perspectives, and possible resolutions. It’s often the first step in formal conflict resolution processes.
  6. Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Request Form: Employees use this form to request support services provided by their employer, such as counseling, legal assistance, or financial planning advice, typically in response to personal or work-related issues.
  7. Witness Statement Form: This document is for individuals who witnessed an incident to provide their account of what occurred. It's crucial for investigations and can include details such as what the witness saw, heard, and the order of events.
  8. Therapy Intake Form: Used by therapists or counseling services to gather background information on a new client, including their medical history, reason for seeking therapy, and mental health status. This form helps therapists tailor their approach to meet the client’s needs.

These documents, each serving its specific purpose, contribute to a structured and formal approach to addressing issues that might otherwise be dismissed or inadequately resolved. Whether for use in a professional setting, like a workplace, or more personal circumstances, such as seeking therapeutic support, these forms ensure that concerns are appropriately documented and addressed in a respectful and constructive manner.

Similar forms

The Hurt Feelings Report form shares similarities with an Incident Report Form typically utilized in workplaces and schools to document any incidents that might occur. Incident Reports usually gather details about an event, including the people involved, the time and place, and a description of what happened. Both forms serve the purpose of documenting specific occurrences, although the Hurt Feelings Report does so in a satirical manner, emphasizing emotional rather than physical or policy-related incidents.

Another similar document is the Employee Complaint Form used in HR departments. This form allows employees to formally lodge complaints or concerns they have, ranging from workplace harassment to issues with management. Like the Hurt Feelings Report, it includes fields for personal details and a narrative of the incident. However, the Employee Complaint Form is used for serious inquiries, aiming to resolve conflicts and improve the workplace environment, contrasting with the sarcastic intent of the Hurt Feelings Report.

The Patient Feedback Form found in medical and healthcare settings also bears resemblance. Such forms enable patients to provide feedback on their care experience, including any grievances. Both the Patient Feedback Form and the Hurt Feelings Report collect individual sentiments about a personal experience. The major difference lies in the context and the sincerity of the feedback solicited, with healthcare feedback being critical for quality improvement.

Customer Complaint Forms, widely used in service industries, allow customers to report dissatisfaction with a product or service. Similar to the Hurt Feelings Report, these forms collect information on what went wrong and seek to identify the parties involved. The purpose here, however, is to address and rectify the issue to maintain customer satisfaction and loyalty, rather than mock the complainant.

A Peer Review Form, used in educational or professional settings for evaluating performances or submissions, also shares some characteristics. It typically gathers evaluative feedback and may include sections for both positive feedback and criticisms. Although its purpose diverges significantly from the Hurt Feelings Report's jest, both forms involve personal assessments and include sections for narrative comments.

The Bullying Report Form, seen in educational institutions, is designed to report instances of bullying and ensure they are addressed by the administration. It shares the aspect of documenting interpersonal issues, much like the Hurt Feelings Report. Yet, its use is in a highly serious context aimed at protecting students and resolving conflicts, contrasting with the satirical nature of the Hurt Feelings Report.

An Online Review Form, used by consumers to rate and review products or services, captures personal opinions and experiences. This form, akin to the Hurt Feelings Report, provides a platform for expressing personal sentiments. However, the goal is to inform others about the quality of a product or service, highlighting a more constructive aim than the facetious intention of the Hurt Feelings Report.

The Whistleblower Complaint Form, crucial in both public and private sectors, enables individuals to report illegal or unethical behaviors. It shares the Hurt Feelings Report's aspect of documenting grievances, but it is grounded in serious allegations requiring investigation and potential action, differing vastly in purpose and consequence.

Lastly, the Feedback Form for Events, which collects attendees' opinions on various aspects of an event, from venue to content, mirrors the Hurt Feelings Report in its solicitation of personal feedback. However, the intent is to gather actionable insights for future improvements, emphasizing a constructive approach as opposed to the satirical motive of the Hurt Feelings Report.

Dos and Don'ts

When filling out the Hurt Feelings Report form, it's essential to approach it with care and attention. Here’s a helpful guide on what to do and what not to do to ensure the process is handled effectively:

Do:
  • Verify the information you plan to include in the form is accurate and truthful, ensuring you reflect the situation sincerely.
  • Be concise and direct in your narrative, avoiding unnecessary details that do not contribute to the understanding of the incident.
  • Read through the form carefully before starting, to familiarize yourself with the information required and how to present it.
  • Check for any spelling or grammar mistakes to maintain the form's clarity and professionalism.
  • Ensure that the form is handed directly to a Law Enforcement Officer, as specified, to comply with the required process.
Don't:
  • Use this form for trivial complaints that do not genuinely reflect hurt feelings that need official attention.
  • Forget to include essential details about the incident, such as the date, location, and how your feelings were hurt, which are crucial for the form to be taken seriously.
  • Dismiss the importance of checking the correctness of administrative data, including your name, age, and date of report, to avoid any processing delays.
  • Overlook the final step of authentication where both the reporter and the whiner (if applicable) need to sign the form, validating its contents.

Approaching the Hurt Feelings Report with respect and thoughtfulness ensures that the issue is addressed appropriately and that any necessary follow-up can be conducted smoothly and efficiently.

Misconceptions

The "Hurt Feelings Report" is a document that often circulates in various contexts, ostensibly designed for humorous or satirical purposes. However, misconceptions about it can lead to confusion and inappropriate use, especially in professional environments. Here are four common misconceptions:

  • It's an official document: Some might think the Hurt Feelings Report is a real form used by organizations for official grievances. In reality, this form is not recognized by any legal or professional entity as a legitimate way to report or address issues of harassment, discrimination, or workplace bullying.
  • Intended to be used in professional settings: Despite appearances or suggestions that it should be given to a "Law Enforcement Officer" or involves an "EMS Team," it's crucial to understand this form is not appropriate for use in any professional environment. It mocks the process of reporting genuine emotional distress, potentially violating workplace harassment policies.
  • It serves a practical purpose: The suggestion that the report is designed to "assist whiners in documenting hurt feelings" or provide any real mechanism for conflict resolution is misleading. It's intended purely for satire, and using it as a response to actual complaints can undermine legitimate concerns and contribute to a toxic workplace culture.
  • It respects privacy and hurt feelings: The document makes a facetious reference to the "Privacy Act of 1974," but in practice, it does the opposite by trivializing and mocking personal grievances. True complaints about hurt feelings, harassment, or emotional well-being should be addressed confidentially and professionally, not through jest or ridicule.

Remember, fostering a supportive and respectful workplace involves recognizing and addressing genuine concerns seriously. Misusing documents like the Hurt Feelings Report can not only damage professional relationships but also risk legal repercussions for harassment or fostering a hostile work environment.

Key takeaways

The "Hurt Feelings Report" is a satirical document not meant for official use. Its purpose is to humorously address complaints of insensitive treatment by simulating an official form. Here are seven key takeaways regarding its content and intended use:

  • This form is designed under the guise of official documentation, requiring it to be "physically placed in the hands of any Law Enforcement Officer," showcasing its mock serious nature.
  • It cites the "Privacy Act of 1974" and various U.S. Code sections to mimic legitimate governmental paperwork, despite its facetious intent.
  • The principal purpose is stated to assist "whiners" in documenting hurt feelings, indicating that it is not meant to be a tool for resolving genuine grievances.
  • Disclosure of information on the form is voluntary, with a humorous caution that "repeated whining may lead to your file being stamped 'candy ass' or some other appropriate term," further emphasizing its parody nature.
  • The form includes sections for administrative data and an incident report, expecting detailed input on the whiner's personal information, the nature of the complaint, and the emotional injury suffered—highlighting an over-exaggerated process for reporting minor offenses.
  • Parts of the form ask for the identification of physical effects from the emotional distress, such as "permanent feeling damage" and the need for a "tissue for tears," making light of serious reporting processes for actual emotional or physical harm.
  • Its conclusion sarcastically offers additional support, such as dispatching a "hugger" or providing a "blankie, a "binky," and/or a bottle" for comfort, ridiculing the idea of needing overblown responses to minor complaints.

The Hurt Feelings Report uses humor and exaggeration to critique individuals who may be perceived as overly sensitive or inclined to complain unnecessarily. Although it parodies official forms, it's essential to recognize the importance of addressing genuine concerns and emotional wellbeing in a respectful and supportive manner.

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